Question: have you ever been listening to someone speak and for a split second possessed the undeniable urge to smack them in the face for no good reason?

Not because you don’t like them. Not because of something they’ve said. Not because of any rational, conscious motivation. But because, only for the flashes of flashes, an animal impulse rises up off the brain as though one is dreaming awake and suggests, “Smack that mofo!”

Well, until yesterday I would have answered this strange question in the negative.

Until yesterday.

For yesterday, while watching His Rotundity, NJ Governor Chris Christie, my subconscious mind was seething, pleading, and even, praying for someone, anyone to make that jelly-face wiggle in the wake of a firm whacking.

I, of course, would never actually advocate such an action, but the dreaming mind wants what it wants. And my mind, in a spirit of contempt, wanted to see a slight wincing on the face of this power hungry blowhard, as well as in a spirit of good fun and feline curiosity, to test the proposition that the plumper among us can not only twerk with their buttocks but with their chubby cheeks upstairs.

Now, please, do not construe my mammalian impulse as some sort of shaming of Christie’s or any other portly person’s girth. I call Christie “His Rotundity” out of love. And if I may put on my political consulting hat, I think His Supreme Royal Rotundness has made a horrible mistake losing as much weight as he has since his “weight-loss” surgery: 85 pounds, ladies and gentlemen and all those in between! 85 pounds!

Why be someone you are not Your Hefty Highness? It has been quite sometime since the American people could vote for someone who resembles themselves. Americans love their identity politics. Just see Hillary Clinton’s appeals to being a woman, a woman of destiny; her election would undoubtedly free the women of the world. Your election could accomplish a similar achievement, Chris. It could mean freedom for the pudgy, liberation for the paunchy, deliverance of the porky, emancipation of the pot-bellied, and ultimately, salvation on offer for all those willing to atone on their knees at the Church of Marshmallows, Cakes, Strudels, Bacon, and Pies.

Put simply, America needs a fat President. Let’s make fat the new black. For far too long, we have ushered in a parade of slightly fit fools. Skinny has had its day.

Some may suggests Hillary Clinton could also accomplish this feat; she could pull a double whammy by freeing the women and the kankle-stricken. Of course, people who suggest this are sexists and morons. And they clearly do not understand how large, in fact, you are Gov. Christie. Even after your shedding of 85 pounds, or to put it in less abstract terms, your shedding of what amounts to the size of a prepubescent 6th grader or a full grown labrador retriever, you are still much more representative of fat America’s girth than Mrs. Clinton.

But for now, Your Hefty Highness, I must shift gears. Here the friendly advice ends and my chagrin begins. You seem to have an issue with freedom and, in particular, the philosophy of libertarianism. Some time ago you said:

‘As a former prosecutor who was appointed by President George W. Bush on Sept. 10, 2001, I just want us to be really cautious, because this strain of libertarianism that’s going through both parties right now and making big headlines, I think, is a very dangerous thought.’

And more recently, in fact yesterday when I was possessed by an unconscious urge to see someone smack you, you had this to say about your rival for the Presidency, Rand Paul:

‘Well, he’s wrong. He’s wrong and what he’s done has made America weaker and more vulnerable. And he’s done it, and then cut his speeches and put them on the internet to raise money off of them. He’s politicizing America’s national security. …

As we face a heightened warning on this Fourth of July weekend, what the American people need to know is that Sen. Paul’s conduct has made them weaker and more vulnerable to attack. Sen. Paul, instead of using this to raise money, he should engage in vigorous Congressional oversight over our intelligence community, which is his responsibility and his duty under his oath as a United States senator, and our Justice Department should prosecute any intelligence officer who violates the law. We have those safeguards available to use. Instead, what Sen. Paul has decided to do is throw the baby out with the bathwater. And he’s decided to make America more vulnerable to make a political point. I think it’s wrong, I think it’s dangerous, and how about this. If God forbid there were to be another attack on the United States, you know Sen. Paul would be the first one dragging the CIA director and the FBI director up on Capitol Hill, put them under oath, and criticize them for not connecting the dots, and not mention for a moment his hypocrisy for taking away some of the tools they need for connecting those dots.’

For shame, good sir. For shame! Not for your fatness but for your pigheadedness and fear mongering. Let me ask you some questions, Chris.

Is it your opinion that freedom makes us weaker and vulnerable? Are you not politicizing “national security” just as much as Senator Paul? Are you not both politicians, you asshat? Do you consider scapegoating to be a form of argument? Do you wish to uphold the Bill of Rights or do you wish to devour it in the name of a gluttonous security?

These words reveal Governor Christie’s true colors. His Rotundity is a progressive republican, a military hawk, and most importantly, a demagogue par excellence. His manner of engaging in “debate” is part of a particularly dangerous epidemic of hostage-taking in which he lays the evils perpetrated on 9/11 at the feet of “libertarianism,” a political philosophy which by most accounts seeks to confine the use of force to solely the just defense of life, liberty, and property.

If this basic charge of libertarian thought, which has its roots in the American Constitution’s Bill of Rights, is not Christie’s basic task as a “public servant” I know not what his philosophy is, but I have an inkling he would like to see a new nationalism based on unearned pride and fear of the other, a “New American Century” as he said as much at the Republican National Convention in 2012.

Though he does not come right out and say it, Gov. Christie is attempting to play up the idea that liberty is the progeny of government and aggressive (read pre-emptive) force–that without the surveillance state, liberty will make doormats and victims of us all to any marauding group that seeks to use force to get their way. Unfortunately, it is also the Panopticon which makes us, the innately free human beings of this planet, doormats and victims to the State.

And thus the true bargain is extended: either become a subject of us or them–of the NSA or the “terrorists.”

I, Chris, choose neither.

We, free people, can fight both tyrannies. I will not sacrifice my liberty and that of my fellows on any man’s altar of power. Liberty is not the product of aggression and “the watchmen.” Liberty is, instead, the fountainhead, the producer, the great organizer, the peaceful servant to the prosperity of humankind. What we need in this nation is not another politician acting as “leader.” This nation has for too long endured a dangerous epidemic of loud-mouth rulers cloaked in the vestments of political pageantry and speechifying with their “us and them” partisan rabble-rousing as they prey upon the people’s fear, envy, and love.

Both American political parties have made a mockery of our nation’s libertarian founding, and it is about time the antidote that is the modern strain of libertarianism return to the scene to remedy the epidemic of state power’s predations upon our natural born rights as human beings.

If we eviscerate our rights in “our” fight against terrorism, what’s the point?

And speaking of the War on Terror, we are now, nearly a decade and a half later, after the deaths of hundreds of thousands, the displacement of hundreds of thousands more, the spending of trillions of confiscated money, and the imposition of totalitarian surveillance methods, we can see there are magnitudes more “terrorists” than when this bloody war began, and now we are being told this will continue for another 30 years…if not longer.

And His Rotundity has the audacity to say that our freedom, our fealty to the Bill of Rights makes us vulnerable and weak?

Well to this, I can feel my dreaming mind stirring up again, saying, “Someone smack that mofo!” But now, I have plenty good reason in my conscious mind to smile if I ever saw someone make that jelly wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.